As I continue juggling all the moving parts of a multi-dimensional puzzle, the pieces themselves are beginning to merge and morph into larger components that take on new meaning. And in these instances of setting down and sorting, I like to initiate a self-assessment, while caught in the stillness of observation.

So much is happening at the moment that I had to stop and ask myself… “What are you doing?” and “Where are you?”

I honestly couldn’t tell if I was suddenly in autopilot trying to sustain momentum, whether I was seeking something beyond my knowledge, simply reacting to circumstance, or if I somehow stumbled into a moment of zen (where everything made sense, even if I couldn’t possibly understand the implications). And of course, the answer is probably, C. All of the above. (or perhaps, D. It’s a side effect of all the lead in the paint.)

I’ve felt curiously driven lately, compelled to test myself in new ways, perhaps hoping to discover and unlock the secret of my full potential (which is probably impossible to satisfy in a single lifetime). But this pursuit wasn’t conceived from some grand epiphany, with eyes set on a prize. It commenced out of pure necessity, from fear of standing still and stagnating.

I’ve always felt blessed, having been surrounded by people who receive me as I am, with all my eccentricities intact, and who want to see me succeed. Not just anyone will know what that feels like. And yet, the occasional downside of trying to uphold such congenial relations is something I am barely beginning to understand. It is the pressure I put on myself, to feel worthy of such a gift as great as Love.

This is where The Bear comes into play (see my last entry, “The Bear in the Room”).

As I started reflecting on the engine that drives the machine (of my persistence, which, in my opinion is now a reflexive response), I suddenly began to realize that (by impulse) I may be trying too hard to achieve… instead of simply accepting what I already know to be true.

  • I am an artist (for better or for worse)
  • I am already living “The Dream” (through the choices I make every day)
  • I always believed I was destined for greatness. Therefore, greatness is already mine.
  • And the Universe will bend to my will… when I am ready to receive all that I am.

The last two weeks have been exhausting, both physically and emotionally. And yet, somehow, my spirit feels undeterred. I’ve reached the bottom of my limited resources and have come up empty handed. And although I know I am in a vulnerable position now because of it, I am still at peace; not necessarily feeling strong or invincible, but calm, and at peace, as if I KNOW that the destination I envisioned for myself is just within reach or perhaps even just beneath my feet (if only I continue digging). Life seems to be a riddle in that respect, a contradiction that aspires to teach us that there are no limitations except those we impose on ourselves. Up may actually be down, and down may be the fastest way up. And so… I dig. I dig because I know how limitless I am (we all are), in depth and possibility.

So, what am I doing? ~ I’m trying less to resist, and more to receive.

And, where am I? ~ At the center of everything.

The truth was told to me the moment I started dreaming. And I now only need to accept it.

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